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I don't think anyone belives I have any reasons behind my brutal and vulgar language I had used against Jaime in my DA account. But I do and I admit it's a selfish reason. I want to live.

That's it. I want to live.

I don't want to be bogged down in this relationship pining over company that won't be there. Who screwtinize me every time they get. But... the biggest thing is that... I've been having heart troubles. I mentioned to my doctor about my chest pains... and she said that it's stress related and with all of my other health troubles if I have a heart attack, I don't think I'll recover. So I did what I had to do and told my friend good bye but I had to do it in a very bad way. I had to... and people don't get it. I had to be cold, I had to be vicious and mean so that she would get confused and have no choice but to hate me. It's the only way for her to let go and not cling on to something that's dying a pitiful death. A little friendship that loved the stars but now is buried far under the ground and is running out of air and hope. And it's been dying for a while. And I don't blame Jaime, I don't blame Charlie though I want to so badly. But I can't.

I'm done being the bad guy.

I'm done screaming at people.

I'm done with dealing with problems.

I just want to live long enough to get married and have some children. I don't care if I'm gross, a freak, a disgusting sick monster that is in love with a trans-sexual (a person who undergoes sex changes). I love Bryony. Bryony is my soulmate and I belive that with all my heart. I don't care what other people say. And I'm not going to waste away by not marrying the person I love.

So...

Goodbye Jaime.

I hope your dreams come true, and that you have a good life. I'm sorry I hurt you, but for my reasons, I had to.

I don't know what to say. I mean, this is a journal that pretty much no one will read. So... I guess I'm just writing crap for my own benefit.

In the past year I've had the most wonderful things happen... as well as the most horrible. I've gotten engaged, something I never thought was possible. I always thought I'd live a cold life in the darkness of a closet waiting for the monsters under the bed to get me. But, here comes Bryony Morey. No where near perfect, but perfect enough to make me worship her with out meaning too. I love her so much and I know she loves me the same. This is the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. But... there is a snag. Many people don't understand our rather complicated situation. Nor do they care enough to try. One of the biggest influences in my life, my mother, can't handle the idea. Not of me being with another woman but being with a younger woman whom full heartedly wants a gender change. It's not like I haven't tried talking her out of it but it's what she wants. Now if I can't convince her to do otherwise after a year of knowing her, then I'm pretty sure it's not my influence that's tainting her judgment as to what my mother believes. ... yeah, my mother believes I'm manipulating Bryony into doing what I want. While my used to be best friend believes that Bryony is using me and just getting my hopes up for no reason. Hn... my friend... yeah... on that subject, Jaime has been closer than a sister to me for well over six years. We've been through thick and thin for a while now and we were doing great. Until she started to date Charlie. I won't lie, I've never liked Charlie. I've known him since he was a kid because he's my little brother's best friend, or at least he used to be. Charlie, to put it as best as I can, is lazy, he lies, he stabs people in the back, he's a thief, a hypocrite, and believes that he's got the worth of the biggest and prettiest diamond out there. I don't know how hard working, tell you the truth, supports you when you fall, smiles and jokes Jaime could ever fall for him. But there they are, together. People have been saying "well opposites attract". You may be right but I just don't understand it. Before they started to even date I told her it was a bad idea but she kept on showing an interest in Charlie. So I started to help her. I started to tell Charlie, "Give her a try" and saying to Jaime, "You'll need to ask him, he's just that type of guy." I don't think they even remember this. Because soon as they started to date Jaime started throwing her weight around. She was insulting me in round about ways, attacking me while making me out to be the bad guy. She was relentless in this crucifying hunt, because soon as I would say "I give up Jaime, have a nice life" she would cry and sob about how I couldn't leave her alone and junk like that. Of course that would make me feel bad and try to help since I've known her so long. Well... fuck that. She would just string me up to dry. Now after a bit of more conflict and drama between me, her, and Charlie (I hate you Charlie, HATE YOU!!!) we all calm down... to a point. Jaime keeps on telling me about how she wants to come over so that we can hang out... that's not happening. She's promised over three times now to come over but she's always making up some excuse not too. She'll talk to me online every once in a while, but I still don't hear much than "I wanted to come over but this and this happened." and "I'll try coming over on such and such day so we can visit!" It's not going to happen. Just like how it seems like dad's health isn't going to improve. So that brings me to that subject. Dad's health has really depleted. He's got only about one third of his heart working, he's dehydrated (or at least I'm very positive he is), has possibly lung cancer, and he's got pneumonia. He's sick as a dog and is old. He's one of the few people that'll accept me and Bryony being together. He's a wonderful man and it's draining to care for him. But ever time I see him I smile and help him out as much as I can. He is my father after all. I mean hell, I owe it to him for raising me. I owe mother as well so I put up with her "go find a MAN!" BS and help her out when she needs me.

I wish... that all of this would stop.

That all of the people telling me I shouldn't be with Bryony. That I need to meet this guy, or show interest in that guy. I want them all to stop. Just be quiet so that I can enjoy what little peace I have left in this world.

I wish that dad would get better and stay better for at least a little longer than just a few days in a row.

But mostly...

I wish to stop feeling like I've been blind folded and fed a poison. A disgusting rot that make my insides into soup and all I can do is cough up blood while blindly feeling the walls for a way out.

I want to write again, to draw again. I want to stop being so pressured that I'm hallucinating figures along side the road anywhere, everywhere, I go.

I want them to go away...